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The Downward Spiral

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Wake me up, before you go... [Nov. 13th, 2006|08:15 am]
The Downward Spiral
down_thespiral
[queen_chase]
Whatever had been driving my body around for the last God only knows how long, was gone. It was the baby, it had to be. Even before Connor and I, even before we did what we did, it had somehow been there. I could feel it squirming around, just below the surface. Leave it to me to think my problems were to small to acknowledge. Don't worry about Cordy, she'll be fine. I just need to be alone Angel so I can stew over your past and pretend like we didn't have something before I became a "higher being". Higher being my ass. More like a jacked up, magic driven, super momma with a big flashing inter-dimensional taxi sign on my forehead. God, all the things that I'd done. Well, not me exactly, but this thing that pushed itself to the surface and pretended to be me. All those innocent people...the girl and Lilah. Well, Lilah was far from innocent but that really wasn't the point. Plus all the people out there who still didn't realize just how dangerous permanent midnight could really be. They wouldn't understand what was happening and they'd have no way to defend themselves. Oh God, what have I done?

And Connor. The thing might not have been in his body but it had taken him for a ride too. He believed the baby was good and special, just like he was. I could see the hope in his eyes, that proud look of becoming a father. I knew the look because I remember seeing it in Angel's eyes when Connor was on the way. Like father, like son. It was almost like for the first time since coming back from the horrible hell dimension his life had some sort of meaning. And now, all that was gone. The baby was gone and I was unconscious, unable to comfort him. I felt so unbelievably helpless. Even more then I did when my body snatcher was at the controls. What made it worse was the fact I had pushed him out. Right before the never ending sleep decided to take over, I had drove him out. I couldn't bare to look at him knowing what we had done and how ashamed I was. It wasn't his fault and I shouldn't have treated him like it was, I just couldn't help it. All I could do was hope the rest of them would find him in time before he did something crazy.

I think at some point he had come back to move me but I couldn't be sure. It was kinda hard to tell what was real and what was in my head, it had been so long since I had had to try and make sense of the things around me. Where ever I was, where ever my body was, I knew I was safe I could feel it. But for how long? The beast was still out there not to mention all the vampires and other bump in the night creatures. And the baby. Where had it gone? Was it dead, invisible, somewhere other then here? Despite my motherly instincts, the idea of it being out there scared the crap out of me. Whatever my baby was, it was strong and very powerful, and hungry. I remember the hunger. A deep, sickening hunger...I want to say for life, but somehow that just seems to weird to even try and comprehend. All I know is it wasn't good and if it was still out there, permanent midnight was the least of our worries.

I really don't know how long I was there, where ever there was, thinking about everything that happened, when someone came. Connor? It had to be. The place still felt safe to me. None of my demony parts were tingly. But there was more then just one set of foot steps, I think. Maybe two or even three. Had he brought Wes and Fred and Gunn back with him? Better yet, did he bring to cast some kind of spell to wake me up because I gotta tell ya, this was even more boring then when I was a higher being.

[Open to Connor, Faith, Wesley]
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[User Picture]From: superhero_son
2006-11-13 02:31 pm (UTC)
I thought that coming here was a big waste of time.

demons didn't come up this far. The city was filled with the filthy demons, sure, but they came after what they could grasp and crunch and bite, and not what was hidden four floors up in a dank little apartment and besides, Cordy could be mean if conscious.

I knew that first hand, the way that she had sent me away. Maybe it was anger over losing the child, or maybe she had drifted to evil. I didn't care if she did, or at least i didn't for a while. Now, I was starting to feel the scorn of her sending me away, and was starting to feel used.

I brought Faith and Wesley up the stairs with me, but only because I was sick of bbeing asked about it.

I was sure that she was going to be fine, or still unconscious, and either way, I didn't feel like hanging out with these two, or even Cordy, unless she wanted to do something about our baby, or stay together with me.

I kicked the door open, and alarmed, Cordy moved on the floor. She was now awake. I was sure that a lecture was coming, as she tried to stand and looked upset.

"See, I told you two that she would be fine in here."
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From: badass_slayer
2006-11-14 12:47 am (UTC)
Angel's kid led us right to Cordy. I have to admit, at first I didn't think he was gonna and maybe I'd have to beat the snot out of him sooner then I thought, but, in the end the kid came through.

I don't know what Wes was lookin' for. He said we needed to keep Cordy safe but somethin' told me he was overly curious 'bout that baby of hers. He couldn't help it. No matter how hard Wes got, he would always be curious I thought as I glanced over at him on the way up the stairs. His face was like wax, completely expressionless. Well, I could be wrong. Maybe he didn't really give a damn about much of anything. Can't say I blamed him.

Connor kicked in the door. Smooth but unnecessary. If he was showin' off on my behalf, it wasn't workin'. Cor was tryin' to sit up when we got in the room. So much for being unconscious. I guess that was a good thing. 'Cept, she really didn't look happy to see any of us. I get that a lot from this group.

"See, I told you two that she would be fine in here."

"Yeah kid, you called it. 'Sup Cor?" Besides the disappearance of your -laugh- love child I thought.
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[User Picture]From: pryce_less
2006-11-14 07:24 am (UTC)
Connor was extremely flip about Cordelia's well-being. That didn't bode well. Recently, whether she was good or bad, she had been all that he had been devoted to. Without her, then he would most certainly lose his edge and turn to whatever passions motivated his violently-charged mind. At the moment, now more then ever, we needed to stick together, with Gunn, Fred and Lorne killed, and with the Beast, Angelus and other vampires walking around the city twenty-four hours a day.

I, for that very reason, turned my attentions upon Cordy.

"Yeah kid, you called it. 'Sup Cor?"

I hadn't filled Faith in upon everything that had happened with Cordelia, and she was also a bit flip about this, although I was fairly confident that she was ready to assist in any way possible, as long as it was helpful.

I approached Cordelia, cautiously. She was barely functioning, and certainly couldn't be called alert. Her eyes fluttered, and she acknowledged that we were here, but a concern hit me. I had been informed of her amnesia last time, when she had returned from being a higher being, obviously, and I wondered if being, well, for the lack of a better term, guided by another, darker power from within, made her mind lose focus on reality.

It would probably be more then I could stand, what with the woman that I loved being dead in the car outside.

I took her hand, fearless. I wasn't at all concerned about my own well-being at this point.

"Cordelia, do you remember anything that has happened recently?"

I thought about asking more, but didn't know how to word it. I didn't know which Cordelia that we were currently dealing with.
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From: queen_chase
2006-11-15 02:50 am (UTC)
It was Connor alright. I could tell by the head splitting crack of the door and he kicked it in. Not to mention the hostility I could see on his extremely blurry face. Man, if I can see any kind of expression in this condition, you know it's gotta be bad. I should have figured he'd still be mad at me for sending him away.

"See, I told you two that she would be fine in here."

The words didn't quite come out like that. Or, they did, but it wasn't the way I heard them. It went more like Sei old ooto atshe woodbe fine in ere. So much for getting my scenes back right away. Hell, what did I need them for anyway? I'd probably just find out none of this was real anyway. I mean, wasn't I suppose to be in a coma. Or at least I was thirty seconds ago.

"Yeah, you called it kid. 'Sup Cor?"

Yaoo cldit kids upcore. That one was a littler harder to translate but from the sound of the voice, I got the gist. Faulty hearing or not, I'd know that was Faiths voice anywhere. So who was the other one? I squinted, and squinted and squinted some more and each time the guy, I knew it was a guy, moved closer to me.

"Cordelia, do you remember anything that has happened recently?"

Wesley! Oh thank God Wesley I have so much to tell you. About the baby and where I've been. I don't even know how I got here but I did and it's me again. I thought all these things but what came out of my mouth was entirely different.

"What is she doing here?" I demanded pointing to Faith.

Whoa. What the hell was that? My front seat driver was gone, I was sure of it. I , Cordelia, was back at the wheel now, so why all the anger and hostility and why the hell couldn't I seem to control it? Was I still sleeping and this was all just a really bad dream?
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[User Picture]From: superhero_son
2006-11-15 03:18 am (UTC)
"What is she doing here?"

I studied Cordelia. She didn't look at me like I mattered. She didn't look at me like we had been through anything at all.

Of course, what should I have expected? She was Angel's best friend. She was probably still Angel's best friend, especially now that he wasn't hiding behind some mask that he was forced to wear.

She obviously didn't like this Faith. I didn't know why, but obviously something had happened in the past. The past. Something that I didn't have, except for a violent place like Quortoth.

Looking at Cordelia right now, not even worried about our child, I longed to be in Quortoth again. I couldn't even say anything. I was about to leave. This was getting us nowhere and the Beast and Angelus were still roaming the streets killing people.

"She's hear to stop Angel, Cordy. Remember, Angel? The one that you were so quick to push into removing his soul?"

I wanted to say something about the baby, but what could I say? She would start the conversation, or it would not be brought up at all.

I just wanted to get out of here.
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From: badass_slayer
2006-11-17 11:24 am (UTC)
Yo, can you say trouble in paradise? Angel's little kidlet here was obviously carrying around some serious pent up aggression towards Cordy here. Not that I could blame him really, she could be some what of a snotty tight ass and she was obviously not thrilled to see me. But, she was still one of the good guys and I'm sure she had a perfectly good reason for wanting Angel's soul removed. A hell of a good reason. End of the world sort of reason. Other wise, what the hell did she think she was doing releasin' Angelus in to the city populous?

"Nice to see you to Cor. Don't mind the kid here. He's just mad I showed him up during some wicked ass vamp slayage earlier."

Dude, whatever had gone down with Cordy and this kid of hers hadn't exactly done wonders in the looks department. I think this might actually be the first time I'd seen miss congeniality herself lookin' all beat up and clearly slummin' it by the looks of this joint. Welcome to my world I thought.
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[User Picture]From: pryce_less
2006-11-17 01:53 pm (UTC)
"What is she doing here?"

I focused on her. Deception had become part of her being. She had known that we all loved her and used that against us when she had ben manipulated. The baby was gone, though, and with the baby, although there were questions there, hopefully gone was the evil that had been influencing her. She seemed genuine to me, although granted, I wasn't at my full capacities at the moment.

"She's hear to stop Angel, Cordy. Remember, Angel? The one that you were so quick to push into removing his soul?"

Connor was talking about Faith and then he added his own spin of sarcasm and skepticism. Connor was about to spiral out of control. He was teetering on a precipice. I knew the feeling well, except that I had more sense to know that the situation in Los Angeles was more dire then my own personal grievances and pain, currently. Cordelia back would be wonderful.

"Nice to see you to Cor. Don't mind the kid here. He's just mad I showed him up during some wicked ass vamp slayage earlier."

I tried to smile as genuinally as I could at the moment.

"Cordy's on our side, Cordelia. She's on the side of good, but we have a lot of problems. Lorne, Gunn and...and Fred...they have all been killed. It's permanent midnight outside and the Beast and Angelus are roaming the streets. Do you remember what has happened recently?"
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From: queen_chase
2006-11-20 12:17 pm (UTC)
Oh God. Gunn,Fred...and Lorne, they were all...

It hurt so bad just to think about it. This was all my fault. I had let that thing take over my body. It had called the Beast and allowed it to blot out the sun. It let Angelus out of the cage and now everyone was dead. My God, how could Wesley even stand to look at me after everything I'd done?

I finally managed to get to my feet. I was still a little dizzy but I think most of that was because of everything Wes had just told me. I remember it, I remember it all. The things I did, the things I said. I mean, I know it wasn't me but that thing, it knew me. It used my memories, my love. It used them on my friends and now they were all dead.

"I remember."

It was all I could say. I was afraid if I tried to say anything else it would come out wrong, or mean like when they first got here. I should have known Faith was here to help but that didn't mean I didn't hate her for what she had done to Wesley the last time she was in LA.

"Wesley, I'm so sorry." I began to cry.
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[User Picture]From: superhero_son
2006-11-20 02:40 pm (UTC)
"Faith's on our side, Cordelia. She's on the side of good, but we have a lot of problems. Lorne, Gunn and...and Fred...they have all been killed. It's permanent midnight outside and the Beast and Angelus are roaming the streets. Do you remember what has happened recently?"

Yeah, yeah. Faith is good, Cordelia might be back, our friends are dead because they had no business in trying to stop the Beast or Angelus. Cordy's good again, or not possessed by the evil that I had put inside of her.

"I remember."

"What do you remember, Cordy? Do you know what happened to our baby?"

I was virtually seething and had to back myself down.

"Wesley, I'm so sorry."

She was sorry for Wesley. She began crying and was sorry that Wesley had lost his friends.

"You're sorry for Wesley, Cordy? What about for me? I liked Fred and Gunn too. Then, there's the part about me being used by you and our baby dying or whatever happened in this very room. No tears for me, Cordy?"

Whatever. I was starting to get over it. I could do that because there were things out there for me to kill.
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From: badass_slayer
2006-11-20 03:33 pm (UTC)
I couldn't believe it. The reining queen of Sunnydale bitch-hood, was crying. It actually made me feel bad for her, if you can imagine that. There was a lot for her to take in here. Hell, there was a lot for me to take in but the fact she had been the cause of a lot of it, or her kid was, I was still a little unclear on that part, probably made it a hundred times worse.

"You're sorry for Wesley, Cordy? What about for me? I liked Fred and Gunn too. Then, there's the part about me being used by you and our baby dying or whatever happened in this very room. No tears for me, Cordy?"

I put my hand on Connors shoulder. He was hurtin', I get that, but comin' down on Cordelia when she was already tryin' to pull herself together probably wasn't helpin' much. He didn't seem to notice, but Cordy did. She looked at Connor like a mother looks at her kid when they fall of their bike and are cryin' about the cut on their knee. So much for happily ever after. That thing Cordy had given birth to had used him every which way to Sunday and there was nothing either of them could do about it.

"It wasn't her kid, you gotta remember that."
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[User Picture]From: pryce_less
2006-11-21 05:05 am (UTC)
"Wesley, I'm so sorry."

My eyes betrayed me, briefly and the water works began in earnest. I hadn't meant to get this way, but Cordelia was truly back and if anyone over the past years had reached me on every level, whether in being hilarity, or sadness...it was Cordelia, and seeing her good again reminded me of Fred, languishing, eternally gone in the car.

I tried to curtail things as Connor spewed forth venom.

"You're sorry for Wesley, Cordy? What about for me? I liked Fred and Gunn too. Then, there's the part about me being used by you and our baby dying or whatever happened in this very room. No tears for me, Cordy?"

I was more certain then ever that Connor was teetering on a precipice that would lead him somewhere that he wouldn't be able to come back from. He had done some horrific things, but a lot of that could be blamed on Holtz and his background and childhood in a hell dimension.

We needed Connor.

"It wasn't her kid, you gotta remember that."

I wiped the tears from my face. "That's correct, Connor. You know that Cordelia would never hurt you, had she been in control of her faculties. You know, deep down, that Angel loves you and we need him. Don't be bitter right now, not when the world needs you. Gunn, Fred and Lorne are dead, but we can prevent anyone else from dying..."

I wasn't feeling speechy and I knew that my soliloquiy was rather daft. Hundreds if not thousands of humans were dying on those streets every day.
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From: queen_chase
2006-11-21 09:03 am (UTC)
Wes' sadness clogged my lungs and Connors anger choked the air right out of them. I couldn't breathe, there was so much pain. The tears in Wes' eyes didn't help but that ok, let him cry for his friends, for Fred. I couldn't erase the things I had done while that thing infested my body but I could allow him this, allow him his moment to grieve.

A moment which was over and done in a flash. It didn't surprise me, though if we were normal people with normal lives, it should. But we weren't normal people and there was no time to grieve. Now was the time to fight.

I too wiped away my tears as Wesley tried his damnedest to ease Connors anger. We needed him now more then ever and if he couldn't swallow the pain long enough to do what needed to be done we might not survive this. Granted, we now had Faith but even she was no match for the Beast. None of us were. We needed Angel back.

I went to Connor.

"I'm not sure what happened to the baby, Connor. But I promise you, when this is all over, I'm going to do everything in my power to find out."

It was all I could offer him now.
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